How to Write a First Message on a Dating App
A good first message quotes one specific thing the other person wrote, then asks an easy question about it. Skip "hey" — Hinge's own data shows generic openers get the weakest reply rate, while a pointed, personal line lands far better (IBTimes / Hinge, 2024). Keep it to one or two sentences, make it impossible to answer with "yeah," and reference something only that person could have prompted. That single move separates the messages that get answered from the ones that sink.
On a photo-first app, the only thing to reference is a picture. On a text-first app like Anketta, the profile is a whole written manuscript — which means your opener can quote an actual sentence the person chose to write. That's a sharper hook than "nice dog," and it's the easiest way to open your first conversation without sounding like everyone else in their inbox.
Write the version of you worth answering."Hey" gets ignored because it asks the other person to do all the work. It carries no information, no hook, and no reason to reply now instead of later. The reader has to invent the conversation from nothing, so they swipe past. Pew Research found 55% of recent dating-app users felt insecure about how few messages they got — a crowded inbox is not the norm, but a forgettable opener still loses.
The problem compounds for the person on the receiving end. Pew also reported that 54% of women felt overwhelmed by message volume, "while just a quarter of men say the same" (Pew Research Center, 2023). When someone is sorting twenty "hey"s, the message that names a real detail is the one that earns a second look.
A message worth answering does three things at once: it proves you read the profile, it makes the reply effortless, and it leaves a thread to pull. Specificity is the whole game. Reference a sentence, a hobby, a contradiction — anything that could only apply to this one person. Then end on a small, concrete question so the other person can answer in five seconds instead of composing an essay.
Hinge's analysis of opening lines backs this up: assertive, plan-oriented and personalized first lines pulled the best response rates, and for men, direct openers drew a 98% stronger response rate than vague ones (IBTimes / Hinge, 2024). The pattern is consistent across the research: the more your message could only have been written to this person, the higher it lands.
You find a hook by reading for the one detail that wasn't there to impress you. Skim past the obvious lines and look for the offhand ones — a strange favorite food, a city they left, a sentence that contradicts the sentence before it. Those are the real openings. The best hook is something the writer almost didn't include, because it reveals a person instead of a brand.
This is where a text-first profile changes the math. On Anketta there are no photos at all — you are reading a manuscript instead of scanning a grid, so there are dozens of written lines to quote instead of a single caption. Here's a quick way to mine one:
- Read the whole manuscript once without planning your reply.
- Mark the two lines that made you feel something — surprise, recognition, a small laugh.
- Pick the more specific of the two.
- Write one sentence reacting honestly to it.
- Add one easy question that grows out of that exact line.
On Anketta, marking those lines isn't just a note to yourself — when you highlight a phrase you love, the app learns it and starts surfacing more manuscripts that share it.
Found a line worth answering? Write the opener it deserves.The difference is whether the message could be copied and pasted to anyone else. A weak opener is portable — "hey, how's your weekend?" fits every inbox, so it commits to no one. A strong opener is locked to one profile: it quotes a real line, reacts to it, and asks something that only makes sense because of what that person wrote. Here is the contrast in practice.
| Weak opener (portable) | Strong opener (locked to the profile) |
|---|---|
| "Hey 😊" | "You wrote that you reread the same three novels every winter — which one is the December book?" |
| "How's your weekend going?" | "You said you moved cities for a job you quit a month later. No regrets?" |
| "You seem cool, we should chat" | "Your line about cooking for people who annoy you made me laugh — does it actually work?" |
| "What are you looking for on here?" | "You mentioned you write letters by hand. Who still gets one?" |
The left column asks the reader to start the conversation. The right column already started it.
A first message should be one to three sentences — long enough to show you read the profile, short enough that replying feels easy. The job of the opener is not to tell your whole story; it's to earn the second message. Lead with the specific reference, react to it in your own voice, and stop after the question. Anything longer and you've handed the other person homework.
Length matters less than density. A two-sentence message packed with one real reference beats a five-sentence message of compliments, because the dense one gives a clear thread to pull. Responsiveness is what carries a match forward anyway — Hinge reported that matches answered within 24 hours were 72% more likely to lead to a date (Hinge, 2023), so the goal is a quick, easy reply, not an impressive monologue.
For a lot of people, yes — because there is no appearance to perform against and nothing to swipe past. When the profile is writing rather than a face, the first message is a response to ideas, not to looks, and that lowers the stakes of saying hello. You're reacting to how someone thinks, which is a more natural thing to comment on than a selfie.
Anketta is built around exactly this. There's no swipe gesture: you read a manuscript, highlight the phrases you like, and when you want to signal interest you press the heart. If the other person hearts you back, you match — and the conversation you've been rehearsing in your head already has its first line, because you found it while reading. If you'd rather warm up by reading other people's writing first, you can start there before you write anything yourself.
What should I never write in a first message?
Skip "hey," "hi," and anything that fits every inbox. Avoid compliments about looks — they age out fast and feel generic. Don't open with a heavy question ("what are you looking for?") before there's any rapport. The fastest way to be ignored is to write something portable.
Should I make my first message funny?
Only if the joke comes out of their profile. A line that reacts to something specific they wrote — and happens to be funny — works beautifully. A generic joke copy-pasted across matches does not. Let the humor be a response, not a performance you bring in cold.
Who should send the first message?
Whoever feels moved to. There's no rule that one gender opens; the research rewards the person who references a real detail, not the one who waits. On a text-first profile you usually already know what you'd say, because you found the line while reading the manuscript.
How do I follow up if I get no reply?
Wait at least a day, then send one short, low-pressure line — never a "you there?" guilt-nudge. If a single warm follow-up gets nothing, let it go. Silence isn't a verdict on you; inboxes get crowded, and Pew found over half of daters feel insecure about message volume on both sides.
Is a long first message better than a short one?
No. One to three dense sentences with a real reference beats a long paragraph of compliments. Length signals effort but density signals attention, and attention is what gets answered. Say the specific thing, ask the easy question, stop.
What if their profile gives me nothing to reference?
On a thin profile, that's a signal in itself — there's little to build on. On a manuscript-based profile there's almost always a line worth quoting, because the format invites people to actually write. If you genuinely find nothing, it may not be your match to make.
The first message was never about being clever. It was about proving you actually read the person in front of you — and on an app where the profile is a manuscript, the best opener is already sitting in the second paragraph they wrote.
Unsure about writing? Try reading first.